Archives for category: Itse

Knowing the next steps did not make it any easier, I knew, I knew with a calmness and peace only He could give. Knowing came much quickly than I envisaged. Having to choose between two loves rubbed on me the wrong way. I love law, I choose law, fell out and then fell back in love with it, I love admin, it comes natural to me. After months of combining same, I had not pictured a future of one without the other. But I knew, having to choose which one, i would let go of somewhat.

Yet I struggled, oh how I struggled, why did I not embrace it? My thoughts… I firmly believed (do not ask me how and why), that there was a conspiracy to frustrate me (No, that’s truly how I saw it). Life had been good, beautiful and dandy, my birth month the prior year brought one too many needless clashes. Some days I mused, if I only understood why? Our paths were different.

I spoke to myself, “you are not your chosen field” that’s not you! An expression perhaps, but certainly not you. My emotions where a roller coaster, up one day, deeply suspicious and distrustful the next. Knowing the clouds of suspicion and distrust blinded my view did not help. Through dimmed eyes to guard my soul, I nit-picked every word and action. Questions flowed within me, ‘if the one you trust, trusts them, surely you can, right? But still…

The Word was my source of stability and sanity, no room for negative emotions, my watchword to not throw petty parties. One thing I did learn, pettiness is not cool and an unacceptable response for a messenger. Surely my Mirror never was petty.

Daily I battled, the dying the flesh was in moments. God’s view point kept me from losing it. I hung on to His word, for I knew therein only I found sanity. My medium of expression thinned, my dance on the fringe of explosion widened. This was not the plan. Did I have a right to feel betrayed? I mean, God had showed me the path to walk, why fight the vessels used to prompt the way to go? But I fought.
My body language roared rage, did I doubt God? No! Was His will desirable? Very much so. Yet there was in me that which fought what I perceived to be the forceful taking away of all I had chosen without conscience. A part was willingly, yet another was poised for battle.

So, pride had to die, flesh had to be put under, all other voices silenced, in the place of study and communion. It has been a journey, I am not fully there yet but the struggle is less than a few months back.

© 9th July, 2018

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“Someone’s job might be at stake, let it go”

The bane for bad services, one that is as old as culture here in Nigeria. We have over the years placed or misplaced our empathy and sacrificed quality service in its place. Paid for service I must say. It is one thing for an issue to be one off, but another for a repeat occurrence. Where do we draw the line? At what point do we begin to demand that the services equate the payment? After all, if we insist, a ‘family man’ might just lose his job.

I look at the situation I currently have battled for two days, and wonder! Has our culture done us a great disservice? Or have we, hiding behind the cloak of culture, done ourselves in? Culture was made for the people, never people for culture, but where exactly do we draw the line? Why are we willing to accept less than we have paid for because a repeat offender might be out of job?

So many thoughts, am I being unfair? Unreasonable? This situation has almost sucked my blood if I may. Most upsetting is that fact, there just would be another incidence with this same person in the nearest future. I probably would be inclined to look away if it is a one off but then again, would that not make me part of the problem? Just when does a culture check get activated? At what point we would declare this far and no further to the trigger of poor service quality? Surely a business has a right to insist a vendor step up their game for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Starring at the back and forth in the email trail is just as exhausting as the myriad of phone calls undocumented, surely the culture of save a job over quality service would not come back to bite another day. For today, I demand that the quality be as offered and agreed upon.

© 3rd July, 2018

It seems like a distant past, when all my focus was to pass Delf B1. Same month, a decade later. The songs bring back memories, memories 10 of a world that shaped me.

Je serai la, toujour pour toi. I will, not because I want to, but on the altar of pleasing the One who cares for me. I hear the sounds, music, laughter, silly banters, I get to count it all in my half year count my blessings. There was my favourite teacher M. Moctar, il vous enseigne comme si I’enseignement d’un bébé,
So, I look at my now and wonder in another memory 10 would any of these truly matter, would I even recall them. My predominant memories are joyful ones, the punctuations of unhappy ones I dig to pull out. What sounds am I creating? What pictures have I painted?

I look back with gratitude, grateful for a road taken I would ordinarily never trod upon. Grateful for a success just on point a alliance francais, pour mes amis who made six months in the unknown worth every moment even our disagreements.
Today my thoughts are not filled with questions bothering on whether I would pass Delf B1, when would my going to law school be fully sure. I wonder if I can truly rise above pettiness particularly when in my head I do think that’s the appropriate response, of my lack of emotion to the bloody mayhem is normal, I think about creating colourful memories with friends, kinda rest assured rent renewal is hitch free…

Fleeting at the best it all is at the end of the day. My next memories 10 is going to eclipse the one just gone by. However, I get to experience it not a day at a time but moment by moment. So here and now, I choose to guard my heart. For therein are my next decade birthed.

PS: note to self “Oghale pettiness is of the devil”.

© 27th June, 2018

We are in the sixth month of 2018, it looks like the rest of the year will be a blur if I do not take deliberate steps to live and truly live. Years back we held a party back in my Father’s house in June and tagged it “Count Your Blessing”. Since then I always have it in my mind to take out time and count my many blessings.

The fact that I can post this day is a blessing to be counted. So many things I am a grateful recipient off. Some days I am sure I did not pause ling enough to truly express my thanksgiving. For live, for family, for friends, for creativity, for a career, for business, for accommodation, for ministry, for colleagues, for skills, for health, for organs functioning well, for ability to choose, for mentors, for sound mind, for discernment.

Just like I have come to realise, counting like words is therapeutic for me, it helps me bring my focus on the right Person. I can never be too thankful, nothing is ever too small to be appreciative off.

Count His goodness
Count His love
Count the times He turned up right on time

Count for love
Count for laughter
Count for the times it seemed a blurry

Count with gladness
Count with cheer
Count with a heart ever gratefully full

Count, count and yet count. For each count reminds us nothing we have is ours truly worked for but a gift given because the Greatest Gift ever is a Giver. Let my words ever count of many a time I was a recipient of love in diverse ways, and more still let my words ever count of the times I will be a recipient of love in ways unimagined.

© 14th June 2018

Do I have a message?
Or am I the messenger?
Yes and yes. Both I am.

My Bible tells me that I am God’s letter to the world. The world being people I meet, interact with both physically and virtually. I know I am God’s letter. I know that I have a message too. My life is a message and a message carrier, more often than I care to admit or sometimes accept, it is not about me and certainly not for me (Ouch!). There are days I look forward to the time and place where the moments of struggling will be over. That on this side of eternity I will find rhythm to my beat.

Learning to see as God sees is my current study. One thing I sure did not envisage in my walk is that people will try me (Try: to test the authenticity of who I am, my reason for being). Knowingly and unknowingly, they try me and will still do that even in the next minute. It is a conscious position to remember that we all are Image-Bearers of God. I can be petty, meeting people at their point of lack of home training (in my opinionated opinion), but knowing it’s not Godlike tugs at me afterwards.

People Management is a skill I shall conquer. You see my life, my purpose, the whole essence of who I am, why I am here, is to pass along a message. To be salt, to be light, to be a runner for God. The recipients are people, they are very ones who try me, try my patience, try my home training, try my emotions. How do I not stain the message I carry with my choices and responses to this trying? How do I choose time after time to shake it off when I can somewhat get away with vengeance? Just how?

I focus, I look intently at the One who sent me, I pour out my frustrations on Him. Some days all I can do is be still before Him, no words to be said. I let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit and lead me. I am for Him, my choices always have to show I delight in His will, not because He demands it but because I truly do delight in His will. The beauty of a message is in its purity, an unstained form as given.

I am a messenger.
Yes, I am a message.
For His good pleasure.

© 7th June, 2018

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 The Passion Translation (TPT)
2 For your very lives are our “letters of recommendation,” permanently engraved on our hearts, recognized and read by everybody. 3 As a result of our ministry, you are living letters written by Christ, not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God—not carved onto stone tablets[a] but on the tablets of tender hearts.

It is a beautiful day, it began just right, my normal routine flowing one into the other. So, I danced to the moments, gliding along mindlessly in some tasks, pausing to take notes of details in others.

My first email of the day did not have pleasant feedback but I have decided in my head, I can and will live with it. I just need to ensure I do not get petty afterwards. A path I have chosen to follow, winked at me.

I have been at a place where I have had to make a choice. A choice between two loves. To follow my first choice of career path in Legal or that of admin. Admin comes naturally to me, it is something that has always been a part of my life. I recall the day I knew I had to pick, at least in pursuit of growth in my current dispensation.

The myriad of emotions I battled with was unforeseen, just as the offer to choose came with a huge whack from my blindside. Speaking and writing do help me process my thoughts a whole lot.

Another email came in and my emotions rotated round in a full circle. Livid does not quite capture my rage! Part of the intensity I feel is my not speaking much about it. This bothers on trust issues with possible options to speak with.

I have pet peeves regarding work I deliver. So suddenly discovering by looking at the colleagues’ work, it was but an upgrade version of what I had prior sent in to the requestors. You see I had sent same to this other colleague and had asked him for his input (seeing as we are supposed to be working together). The stalling in responding to me after a few promptings made sense, but it only fuelled me.

How do people dish out what they cannot eat, even if fed in error? This is something that I cannot wrap around my head. Alas! Master these are the people of whom the directive “do good to those who do you evil” is meant for. Writing has given me a measure of release (Already ranted to another colleague). Scribbled someplace else.

God help me, because I sure do need it right about now. The things and people who try my faith! *sigh*. It’s in the following week I would know for sure if I gave the devil a foothold. Peace!

© 9th May, 2018

PS this is me days later (today 31st May, 2018), I still speak less in my office. Thankfully with God by my side I fought (still fight) the urge to be petty and I am winning.

Recently I waged an internal battle whether to repay in response to another’s behaviour, or be a child of my Father God. So many thoughts went round around my head but for and against. I had several emotions I dealt with regarding the encounter, upset did not quite capture my feelings (whether justified or not, is another matter). So, I spoke to myself and encourage me to love the ‘unloveable’. I do not understand someone not being honest Before the day was up I queried myself, is there really any such thing as an unlovable person? Where and how did I come about such a term? This is my battle in lines.

Is it a phrase?
Is this my race?
There is so much going on within
Silence is my choice
Mind my walls a poise
I need to figure this out alone
Thoughts, hurt, anger swirled in my mind

You see distrust lurks
There’s a question clock
Might I be reading it all wrong?
Why smile and stab?
Who gives what they can’t take?

I am called
Yea I am picked
Surely, I can choose this route.
It ceased to be about me
For another I live my days
So why then do I struggle?

It is me,
This is who I am.
Choosing to withhold fractures me
These are His too I muse.
Unplug my heart
The pathway is always love.

©16th of May, 2018