Archives for category: Life in Christ

Knowing the next steps did not make it any easier, I knew, I knew with a calmness and peace only He could give. Knowing came much quickly than I envisaged. Having to choose between two loves rubbed on me the wrong way. I love law, I choose law, fell out and then fell back in love with it, I love admin, it comes natural to me. After months of combining same, I had not pictured a future of one without the other. But I knew, having to choose which one, i would let go of somewhat.

Yet I struggled, oh how I struggled, why did I not embrace it? My thoughts… I firmly believed (do not ask me how and why), that there was a conspiracy to frustrate me (No, that’s truly how I saw it). Life had been good, beautiful and dandy, my birth month the prior year brought one too many needless clashes. Some days I mused, if I only understood why? Our paths were different.

I spoke to myself, “you are not your chosen field” that’s not you! An expression perhaps, but certainly not you. My emotions where a roller coaster, up one day, deeply suspicious and distrustful the next. Knowing the clouds of suspicion and distrust blinded my view did not help. Through dimmed eyes to guard my soul, I nit-picked every word and action. Questions flowed within me, ‘if the one you trust, trusts them, surely you can, right? But still…

The Word was my source of stability and sanity, no room for negative emotions, my watchword to not throw petty parties. One thing I did learn, pettiness is not cool and an unacceptable response for a messenger. Surely my Mirror never was petty.

Daily I battled, the dying the flesh was in moments. God’s view point kept me from losing it. I hung on to His word, for I knew therein only I found sanity. My medium of expression thinned, my dance on the fringe of explosion widened. This was not the plan. Did I have a right to feel betrayed? I mean, God had showed me the path to walk, why fight the vessels used to prompt the way to go? But I fought.
My body language roared rage, did I doubt God? No! Was His will desirable? Very much so. Yet there was in me that which fought what I perceived to be the forceful taking away of all I had chosen without conscience. A part was willingly, yet another was poised for battle.

So, pride had to die, flesh had to be put under, all other voices silenced, in the place of study and communion. It has been a journey, I am not fully there yet but the struggle is less than a few months back.

© 9th July, 2018

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It seems like a distant past, when all my focus was to pass Delf B1. Same month, a decade later. The songs bring back memories, memories 10 of a world that shaped me.

Je serai la, toujour pour toi. I will, not because I want to, but on the altar of pleasing the One who cares for me. I hear the sounds, music, laughter, silly banters, I get to count it all in my half year count my blessings. There was my favourite teacher M. Moctar, il vous enseigne comme si I’enseignement d’un bébé,
So, I look at my now and wonder in another memory 10 would any of these truly matter, would I even recall them. My predominant memories are joyful ones, the punctuations of unhappy ones I dig to pull out. What sounds am I creating? What pictures have I painted?

I look back with gratitude, grateful for a road taken I would ordinarily never trod upon. Grateful for a success just on point a alliance francais, pour mes amis who made six months in the unknown worth every moment even our disagreements.
Today my thoughts are not filled with questions bothering on whether I would pass Delf B1, when would my going to law school be fully sure. I wonder if I can truly rise above pettiness particularly when in my head I do think that’s the appropriate response, of my lack of emotion to the bloody mayhem is normal, I think about creating colourful memories with friends, kinda rest assured rent renewal is hitch free…

Fleeting at the best it all is at the end of the day. My next memories 10 is going to eclipse the one just gone by. However, I get to experience it not a day at a time but moment by moment. So here and now, I choose to guard my heart. For therein are my next decade birthed.

PS: note to self “Oghale pettiness is of the devil”.

© 27th June, 2018

Do I have a message?
Or am I the messenger?
Yes and yes. Both I am.

My Bible tells me that I am God’s letter to the world. The world being people I meet, interact with both physically and virtually. I know I am God’s letter. I know that I have a message too. My life is a message and a message carrier, more often than I care to admit or sometimes accept, it is not about me and certainly not for me (Ouch!). There are days I look forward to the time and place where the moments of struggling will be over. That on this side of eternity I will find rhythm to my beat.

Learning to see as God sees is my current study. One thing I sure did not envisage in my walk is that people will try me (Try: to test the authenticity of who I am, my reason for being). Knowingly and unknowingly, they try me and will still do that even in the next minute. It is a conscious position to remember that we all are Image-Bearers of God. I can be petty, meeting people at their point of lack of home training (in my opinionated opinion), but knowing it’s not Godlike tugs at me afterwards.

People Management is a skill I shall conquer. You see my life, my purpose, the whole essence of who I am, why I am here, is to pass along a message. To be salt, to be light, to be a runner for God. The recipients are people, they are very ones who try me, try my patience, try my home training, try my emotions. How do I not stain the message I carry with my choices and responses to this trying? How do I choose time after time to shake it off when I can somewhat get away with vengeance? Just how?

I focus, I look intently at the One who sent me, I pour out my frustrations on Him. Some days all I can do is be still before Him, no words to be said. I let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit and lead me. I am for Him, my choices always have to show I delight in His will, not because He demands it but because I truly do delight in His will. The beauty of a message is in its purity, an unstained form as given.

I am a messenger.
Yes, I am a message.
For His good pleasure.

© 7th June, 2018

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 The Passion Translation (TPT)
2 For your very lives are our “letters of recommendation,” permanently engraved on our hearts, recognized and read by everybody. 3 As a result of our ministry, you are living letters written by Christ, not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God—not carved onto stone tablets[a] but on the tablets of tender hearts.

It is a beautiful day, it began just right, my normal routine flowing one into the other. So, I danced to the moments, gliding along mindlessly in some tasks, pausing to take notes of details in others.

My first email of the day did not have pleasant feedback but I have decided in my head, I can and will live with it. I just need to ensure I do not get petty afterwards. A path I have chosen to follow, winked at me.

I have been at a place where I have had to make a choice. A choice between two loves. To follow my first choice of career path in Legal or that of admin. Admin comes naturally to me, it is something that has always been a part of my life. I recall the day I knew I had to pick, at least in pursuit of growth in my current dispensation.

The myriad of emotions I battled with was unforeseen, just as the offer to choose came with a huge whack from my blindside. Speaking and writing do help me process my thoughts a whole lot.

Another email came in and my emotions rotated round in a full circle. Livid does not quite capture my rage! Part of the intensity I feel is my not speaking much about it. This bothers on trust issues with possible options to speak with.

I have pet peeves regarding work I deliver. So suddenly discovering by looking at the colleagues’ work, it was but an upgrade version of what I had prior sent in to the requestors. You see I had sent same to this other colleague and had asked him for his input (seeing as we are supposed to be working together). The stalling in responding to me after a few promptings made sense, but it only fuelled me.

How do people dish out what they cannot eat, even if fed in error? This is something that I cannot wrap around my head. Alas! Master these are the people of whom the directive “do good to those who do you evil” is meant for. Writing has given me a measure of release (Already ranted to another colleague). Scribbled someplace else.

God help me, because I sure do need it right about now. The things and people who try my faith! *sigh*. It’s in the following week I would know for sure if I gave the devil a foothold. Peace!

© 9th May, 2018

PS this is me days later (today 31st May, 2018), I still speak less in my office. Thankfully with God by my side I fought (still fight) the urge to be petty and I am winning.

Recently I waged an internal battle whether to repay in response to another’s behaviour, or be a child of my Father God. So many thoughts went round around my head but for and against. I had several emotions I dealt with regarding the encounter, upset did not quite capture my feelings (whether justified or not, is another matter). So, I spoke to myself and encourage me to love the ‘unloveable’. I do not understand someone not being honest Before the day was up I queried myself, is there really any such thing as an unlovable person? Where and how did I come about such a term? This is my battle in lines.

Is it a phrase?
Is this my race?
There is so much going on within
Silence is my choice
Mind my walls a poise
I need to figure this out alone
Thoughts, hurt, anger swirled in my mind

You see distrust lurks
There’s a question clock
Might I be reading it all wrong?
Why smile and stab?
Who gives what they can’t take?

I am called
Yea I am picked
Surely, I can choose this route.
It ceased to be about me
For another I live my days
So why then do I struggle?

It is me,
This is who I am.
Choosing to withhold fractures me
These are His too I muse.
Unplug my heart
The pathway is always love.

©16th of May, 2018

The tears, laughter, late nights, movies, meals. So many stories have been woven into its fabric. I cannot recall the moment it became my favourite place. It seems we just grew together. One of those pieces never to be let go off.

I have shared my highs and lows, best dressed moments, peejay moments on it. It is just the place to be self-absorbed in a good book. There are patches of spilled drink, somewhere on it, there are drops of tears from a loss to emotions pulled from a movie or just down right pent up emotions that chose their own moment to turn up.
My internal battles have been fought right there.

Once upon a time, upon a couch set in the living room, it was my lounging spot as I spent the day indoors. Though I had so much to say, I said nothing as I often do atimes, with no explanation even to me. I lay on it, staring at the TV but seeing just as far as my thoughts would let me see anything else. I wondered if I could just get away with loving those who made it easy. Howbeit, it was more of a struggle in my head.

Christ would not do that I reasoned but then again, ‘why should I make room for people who deliberately try my patience?’. I cannot demand people behave as I think is right, neither can I withhold that given me to share because it is in my “power” to do so. Abuse of “power” it would be. Child of God is it in Your DNA to love the ‘unlovable’, for while we were yet sinners Christ chose you, He loved you and died for you before you even knew Him.

On the couch I have found my perfect me place, me space. Just lying there has helped me make decisions, some of which I would know for certain in the near future if they are the right choices.

Oh the stories revived by auto correct overriding intent in a group chat.

© 17th May 2018

On Tuesday a Mentor sent me a video, I was reluctant to open it due my ever-constant battle for space on my phone, I did get around to downloading it hours after receipt. It was a beautiful one minute four seconds musical. The details got me, as I took in with my eyes and ears the bits and pieces that put together what seemed like an inconsequential theme soundtrack, I was wowed!

In the moment i realised, that the success, the pride and glory is not in the day the spot light picks you out in a crowd. Truly, it is not in the hour a song becomes a hit, it actual is in the process, the details, the back-end, the moments spent preparing, honing the gifts and what often looks like a dull routine set to keep one depressed with time.

You see for thirty years the Bible is silent about what Jesus was on about. We just did not get to see anything (I doubt He was silent but…). The last we read, let us know he subjected Himself in obedience to Joseph and his mother, increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God. Silent for thirty years He was, then suddenly took the world by storm in His last three years on this side of eternity.

Beauty lies in the details, the seemingly mundane choices we make. Then again, the video reminded me that nothing is mundane, nothing stands alone, no one makes it alone. We all like different parts of the same truck, working together, growing together, we give our fullest light, our warm shade when we put it all together as one piece, one body, one voice, telling of One who is our Father.

In each story, in each poem, in each song I have written I find I have pieces of people I have met all written together with bits of me. The harmony of the song comes from the smiles, the tears, the wait, the challenges walked through.

Look at your ‘mundane’, watch your choices, I am sure looking at my decisions and routines, knowing that as i bring me and others bring them we create something way bigger than each of us. For our details, our varying parts are the real beauty of the ‘finished’ artwork the world encounters daily.

©10th May, 2018

“wowed” – pleasantly surprised