Archives for category: Thoughts

Knowing the next steps did not make it any easier, I knew, I knew with a calmness and peace only He could give. Knowing came much quickly than I envisaged. Having to choose between two loves rubbed on me the wrong way. I love law, I choose law, fell out and then fell back in love with it, I love admin, it comes natural to me. After months of combining same, I had not pictured a future of one without the other. But I knew, having to choose which one, i would let go of somewhat.

Yet I struggled, oh how I struggled, why did I not embrace it? My thoughts… I firmly believed (do not ask me how and why), that there was a conspiracy to frustrate me (No, that’s truly how I saw it). Life had been good, beautiful and dandy, my birth month the prior year brought one too many needless clashes. Some days I mused, if I only understood why? Our paths were different.

I spoke to myself, “you are not your chosen field” that’s not you! An expression perhaps, but certainly not you. My emotions where a roller coaster, up one day, deeply suspicious and distrustful the next. Knowing the clouds of suspicion and distrust blinded my view did not help. Through dimmed eyes to guard my soul, I nit-picked every word and action. Questions flowed within me, ‘if the one you trust, trusts them, surely you can, right? But still…

The Word was my source of stability and sanity, no room for negative emotions, my watchword to not throw petty parties. One thing I did learn, pettiness is not cool and an unacceptable response for a messenger. Surely my Mirror never was petty.

Daily I battled, the dying the flesh was in moments. God’s view point kept me from losing it. I hung on to His word, for I knew therein only I found sanity. My medium of expression thinned, my dance on the fringe of explosion widened. This was not the plan. Did I have a right to feel betrayed? I mean, God had showed me the path to walk, why fight the vessels used to prompt the way to go? But I fought.
My body language roared rage, did I doubt God? No! Was His will desirable? Very much so. Yet there was in me that which fought what I perceived to be the forceful taking away of all I had chosen without conscience. A part was willingly, yet another was poised for battle.

So, pride had to die, flesh had to be put under, all other voices silenced, in the place of study and communion. It has been a journey, I am not fully there yet but the struggle is less than a few months back.

© 9th July, 2018

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“Someone’s job might be at stake, let it go”

The bane for bad services, one that is as old as culture here in Nigeria. We have over the years placed or misplaced our empathy and sacrificed quality service in its place. Paid for service I must say. It is one thing for an issue to be one off, but another for a repeat occurrence. Where do we draw the line? At what point do we begin to demand that the services equate the payment? After all, if we insist, a ‘family man’ might just lose his job.

I look at the situation I currently have battled for two days, and wonder! Has our culture done us a great disservice? Or have we, hiding behind the cloak of culture, done ourselves in? Culture was made for the people, never people for culture, but where exactly do we draw the line? Why are we willing to accept less than we have paid for because a repeat offender might be out of job?

So many thoughts, am I being unfair? Unreasonable? This situation has almost sucked my blood if I may. Most upsetting is that fact, there just would be another incidence with this same person in the nearest future. I probably would be inclined to look away if it is a one off but then again, would that not make me part of the problem? Just when does a culture check get activated? At what point we would declare this far and no further to the trigger of poor service quality? Surely a business has a right to insist a vendor step up their game for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Starring at the back and forth in the email trail is just as exhausting as the myriad of phone calls undocumented, surely the culture of save a job over quality service would not come back to bite another day. For today, I demand that the quality be as offered and agreed upon.

© 3rd July, 2018

It seems like a distant past, when all my focus was to pass Delf B1. Same month, a decade later. The songs bring back memories, memories 10 of a world that shaped me.

Je serai la, toujour pour toi. I will, not because I want to, but on the altar of pleasing the One who cares for me. I hear the sounds, music, laughter, silly banters, I get to count it all in my half year count my blessings. There was my favourite teacher M. Moctar, il vous enseigne comme si I’enseignement d’un bébé,
So, I look at my now and wonder in another memory 10 would any of these truly matter, would I even recall them. My predominant memories are joyful ones, the punctuations of unhappy ones I dig to pull out. What sounds am I creating? What pictures have I painted?

I look back with gratitude, grateful for a road taken I would ordinarily never trod upon. Grateful for a success just on point a alliance francais, pour mes amis who made six months in the unknown worth every moment even our disagreements.
Today my thoughts are not filled with questions bothering on whether I would pass Delf B1, when would my going to law school be fully sure. I wonder if I can truly rise above pettiness particularly when in my head I do think that’s the appropriate response, of my lack of emotion to the bloody mayhem is normal, I think about creating colourful memories with friends, kinda rest assured rent renewal is hitch free…

Fleeting at the best it all is at the end of the day. My next memories 10 is going to eclipse the one just gone by. However, I get to experience it not a day at a time but moment by moment. So here and now, I choose to guard my heart. For therein are my next decade birthed.

PS: note to self “Oghale pettiness is of the devil”.

© 27th June, 2018

The tears, laughter, late nights, movies, meals. So many stories have been woven into its fabric. I cannot recall the moment it became my favourite place. It seems we just grew together. One of those pieces never to be let go off.

I have shared my highs and lows, best dressed moments, peejay moments on it. It is just the place to be self-absorbed in a good book. There are patches of spilled drink, somewhere on it, there are drops of tears from a loss to emotions pulled from a movie or just down right pent up emotions that chose their own moment to turn up.
My internal battles have been fought right there.

Once upon a time, upon a couch set in the living room, it was my lounging spot as I spent the day indoors. Though I had so much to say, I said nothing as I often do atimes, with no explanation even to me. I lay on it, staring at the TV but seeing just as far as my thoughts would let me see anything else. I wondered if I could just get away with loving those who made it easy. Howbeit, it was more of a struggle in my head.

Christ would not do that I reasoned but then again, ‘why should I make room for people who deliberately try my patience?’. I cannot demand people behave as I think is right, neither can I withhold that given me to share because it is in my “power” to do so. Abuse of “power” it would be. Child of God is it in Your DNA to love the ‘unlovable’, for while we were yet sinners Christ chose you, He loved you and died for you before you even knew Him.

On the couch I have found my perfect me place, me space. Just lying there has helped me make decisions, some of which I would know for certain in the near future if they are the right choices.

Oh the stories revived by auto correct overriding intent in a group chat.

© 17th May 2018

There is so much going on around and within me. I am starring at multiple roads, wondering if work-life balance is truly a reality or myth.

It seems like I have more on my plate at this point in my life than I bargained for. Work, school, off work activities are all suddenly looking a whole lot bigger than I envisaged with each add on.

Surely, I am not wearing myself thin, I can handle it all at once. But my online classes are telling me otherwise with each day I miss my studies. The frequency with which things seem to slip away from me leaves me wondering, if I am really getting the rest I need at night.

I am making conscious efforts to manage, really manage my time. What I do and what I do not do. Today, is good or should I say better, yesterday I practically had to fight to keep my joy and sanity.

So I have told me, I need to step back, a step or two and focus. When I am focused, I get things right, I am leaning on the right Person. My thoughts are collected and not worrisome. Deadlines are met and I have less things screaming for me.
You see when I focus, I look to Him who alone knows me truly and knows what to do with me. In Christ I am stable, sane and sure with less questions. Who I am? Is clear, nor marred.

I am turning away from anything distracting me from looking to Him that I might live and live abundantly. A jump in my weight has not helped me either. Now I ask, have I unwittingly put more importance on my weight than I need do?
There is so much going on around, in and with me these days. Today I take it ALL, each bit, every piece and drop them at His feet. Surely, He knows what to do with them.

© 3rd May, 2018

I am learning, that things are not always how they seem. Then from a physical point of view, the view is always limited to the amount of information one has on any subject matter.

I am learning that the only clear way to judge a matter, to read a matter, to fully understand and appreciate a matter is through God’s view point.

Her husband died,
Her sons died
Surely this was a terrible thing. At this point, all sorts of opinions are given birth to: ranging from she’s a witch to the Lord is wrath with her.

The focus will be the men in her life died.
It likely would ignore the fact that she lives (assumption based on diverse scenarios from Nigeria)
She saw the hand of the Lord. Naomi saw the hand of the Lord. She read it to be against not for.

If the hand was against, why had death passed her for the sons? Why was she ‘chosen’ to live? Why was she alone ‘saved’? the way we read situations, circumstances and people directly influences the choices we make, the decisions we take and the way we relate.

What informs the way we read? Do we pause to question our own conclusions? Do we just read through the views of the acceptable? Do we just flow along?

Naomi had the benefit of hindsight for her reading. Elimelech did not for his reading.
As you read today, tomorrow, the day after and subsequent days, pause and ask yourself – am I reading this right?

I do know of One who can help you read right though. He is just a request away, feel free to ask Him when next you read, His name is Jesus.

© 17th June 2017.

The union (if I may use that word) of any two individuals is important.

Who you walk with is key. Who you run with is key. The outcome of your life and all that concerns you rests on this. How you choose your partners is key too.
Relatives we cannot choose generally but should we decided to work with them, live with them, we have chosen.

More than we might realise, God is interested with whom we partner: – in our businesses, in ministry, in relationships broadly and most definitely marriage.
For each partner, there would be a corresponding instruction and leading. Where to go, who to go the journey with, why you should go the journey together.

God is purposeful, in all of His ways, nothing has ever been done by God without purpose. The partners we pick or are picked by must be ones of purpose. Purpose that gladdens God’s heart, partners that are pleasing unto God, made just for the scenario.
When you think partners, think – suitable, comparative to, equally yoked, helpmeet, approved of God.

© 02 February, 2017