Recently I waged an internal battle whether to repay in response to another’s behaviour, or be a child of my Father God. So many thoughts went round around my head but for and against. I had several emotions I dealt with regarding the encounter, upset did not quite capture my feelings (whether justified or not, is another matter). So, I spoke to myself and encourage me to love the ‘unloveable’. I do not understand someone not being honest Before the day was up I queried myself, is there really any such thing as an unlovable person? Where and how did I come about such a term? This is my battle in lines.

Is it a phrase?
Is this my race?
There is so much going on within
Silence is my choice
Mind my walls a poise
I need to figure this out alone
Thoughts, hurt, anger swirled in my mind

You see distrust lurks
There’s a question clock
Might I be reading it all wrong?
Why smile and stab?
Who gives what they can’t take?

I am called
Yea I am picked
Surely, I can choose this route.
It ceased to be about me
For another I live my days
So why then do I struggle?

It is me,
This is who I am.
Choosing to withhold fractures me
These are His too I muse.
Unplug my heart
The pathway is always love.

©16th of May, 2018

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The tears, laughter, late nights, movies, meals. So many stories have been woven into its fabric. I cannot recall the moment it became my favourite place. It seems we just grew together. One of those pieces never to be let go off.

I have shared my highs and lows, best dressed moments, peejay moments on it. It is just the place to be self-absorbed in a good book. There are patches of spilled drink, somewhere on it, there are drops of tears from a loss to emotions pulled from a movie or just down right pent up emotions that chose their own moment to turn up.
My internal battles have been fought right there.

Once upon a time, upon a couch set in the living room, it was my lounging spot as I spent the day indoors. Though I had so much to say, I said nothing as I often do atimes, with no explanation even to me. I lay on it, staring at the TV but seeing just as far as my thoughts would let me see anything else. I wondered if I could just get away with loving those who made it easy. Howbeit, it was more of a struggle in my head.

Christ would not do that I reasoned but then again, ‘why should I make room for people who deliberately try my patience?’. I cannot demand people behave as I think is right, neither can I withhold that given me to share because it is in my “power” to do so. Abuse of “power” it would be. Child of God is it in Your DNA to love the ‘unlovable’, for while we were yet sinners Christ chose you, He loved you and died for you before you even knew Him.

On the couch I have found my perfect me place, me space. Just lying there has helped me make decisions, some of which I would know for certain in the near future if they are the right choices.

Oh the stories revived by auto correct overriding intent in a group chat.

© 17th May 2018

On Tuesday a Mentor sent me a video, I was reluctant to open it due my ever-constant battle for space on my phone, I did get around to downloading it hours after receipt. It was a beautiful one minute four seconds musical. The details got me, as I took in with my eyes and ears the bits and pieces that put together what seemed like an inconsequential theme soundtrack, I was wowed!

In the moment i realised, that the success, the pride and glory is not in the day the spot light picks you out in a crowd. Truly, it is not in the hour a song becomes a hit, it actual is in the process, the details, the back-end, the moments spent preparing, honing the gifts and what often looks like a dull routine set to keep one depressed with time.

You see for thirty years the Bible is silent about what Jesus was on about. We just did not get to see anything (I doubt He was silent but…). The last we read, let us know he subjected Himself in obedience to Joseph and his mother, increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God. Silent for thirty years He was, then suddenly took the world by storm in His last three years on this side of eternity.

Beauty lies in the details, the seemingly mundane choices we make. Then again, the video reminded me that nothing is mundane, nothing stands alone, no one makes it alone. We all like different parts of the same truck, working together, growing together, we give our fullest light, our warm shade when we put it all together as one piece, one body, one voice, telling of One who is our Father.

In each story, in each poem, in each song I have written I find I have pieces of people I have met all written together with bits of me. The harmony of the song comes from the smiles, the tears, the wait, the challenges walked through.

Look at your ‘mundane’, watch your choices, I am sure looking at my decisions and routines, knowing that as i bring me and others bring them we create something way bigger than each of us. For our details, our varying parts are the real beauty of the ‘finished’ artwork the world encounters daily.

©10th May, 2018

“wowed” – pleasantly surprised

There is so much going on around and within me. I am starring at multiple roads, wondering if work-life balance is truly a reality or myth.

It seems like I have more on my plate at this point in my life than I bargained for. Work, school, off work activities are all suddenly looking a whole lot bigger than I envisaged with each add on.

Surely, I am not wearing myself thin, I can handle it all at once. But my online classes are telling me otherwise with each day I miss my studies. The frequency with which things seem to slip away from me leaves me wondering, if I am really getting the rest I need at night.

I am making conscious efforts to manage, really manage my time. What I do and what I do not do. Today, is good or should I say better, yesterday I practically had to fight to keep my joy and sanity.

So I have told me, I need to step back, a step or two and focus. When I am focused, I get things right, I am leaning on the right Person. My thoughts are collected and not worrisome. Deadlines are met and I have less things screaming for me.
You see when I focus, I look to Him who alone knows me truly and knows what to do with me. In Christ I am stable, sane and sure with less questions. Who I am? Is clear, nor marred.

I am turning away from anything distracting me from looking to Him that I might live and live abundantly. A jump in my weight has not helped me either. Now I ask, have I unwittingly put more importance on my weight than I need do?
There is so much going on around, in and with me these days. Today I take it ALL, each bit, every piece and drop them at His feet. Surely, He knows what to do with them.

© 3rd May, 2018

On the Monday after Passover celebrations, popularly called Easter Monday, I was in the home of my Bro and family. A programme on BBC lifestyle caught my attention. It was a trade fair of some sort. One where in people brought various items from their homes for a valuer to evaluate and give them an estimate of its monetary value. These items ranged from pictures, to paintings, jewellery, puppets used in puppet shows, gowns, sculptured busts etc.

There was a story behind most of them. Each item, had passed through generations long gone to get to their present owners. Some were from centuries gone like an 1820 jewellery and a 1955 picture. With each item, brought by an owner, there was a continuous story line. They did not know the value: monetary and/or sentimental value of what they had.

As I thought about this story line, I realised that there is so much I have with thanksgiving to the blood of Christ. Just like the owners of these items, I have more often than I am pleased to admit, lost touch with the value of these treasures in me. More precious than gold they are, rarer than any ruby or diamond from the 18th century.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit in His ever gentle way, brings to my remembrance the value of my trust, my faith, the wisdom, love, worship and access given to me by the shed blood at Calvary.

Do you know the value of what you possess?

© 2nd April 2018

Sometime last year I had a brief encounter with homelessness, for someone who things have a certain rhythm to that was a great challenge to everything I had known. I mean, I can envisage being without money, being without food, but not having a roof over my head, that was major. My mind did not just have the capacity to accommodate that. I did learn a number of things: focus is key, with God it is never for less, know what God has to say about each situation. I questioned whether i was a fair weather follower of God. I look back an thank God for being my sanity.”

In July 2017 my rent was due for renewal. I had known this for a year but was still not ready 100%. This was the month I decided to go into a preplanned investment I had brooded upon for years. So, all my funds were channelled towards the investment. I went all in to it.

A phone call from my landlord assured me that we were on the same path. One more year in the place, then we both moved. My flatmate and I were pleased. About two weeks later, my landlord called again, it was an early morning call, this time around, the dynamics had changed. We had about a month roughly to get a new place and move.

I refused to get worried, informed my flatmate and allayed her fears. It was not a sure decision as it came from a place of disagreement with the overall landlord to force him to be responsible. The third call came and it became sure that we needed to move within two weeks ‘sigh!. I was till upbeat, miracles do happen.
House shopping began, we wanted to remain in the same location. It did not have flooding issues that has bedevilled Lagos Island. The location was just right for my early hours and sometimes late hours. Every other option we saw paled in comparison to where we needed to leave. Apparently, we had a really good deal with just enough space for our worldly goods. This we found out, as we began shopping.

At a point, it seemed trying to get the same size and as close as possible to the same rent within the same estate was going to take a miracle. We packed up our goods the weekend the landlord moved with his family. Then the pressure began to rear its head; landlord wanted the keys. Living out of packed bags does has its toll psychologically. As the negative thoughts seeped in, I fought back with phases such as this too shall pass soon. Shopping was no closer to perfect fit as expected. I expanded my shopping area from my preferred location, and began informing more people.

We made plans for the immediate, get people who would help keep our goods, hole up in other locations until we got the deal we desired. A kind pal was very generous and let me keep the bulk of my goods in her house. My flatmate got a place for hers. We did two nights like campers at our old place, sleeping on duvets and on a mat before we moved to enable the landlord to get the keys.

A friend asked we move into hers and stop sleeping on the floor. Two weeks into our stay in our mutual friend’s place, she closed out on a good deal which was a step to moving houses. Suddenly, the word homeless took on a new meaning for me. I turned my attention with more gusto to God in prayer, and began knocking and calling for help. “I can’t be homeless”, I reasoned within.

The very thought of being homeless, was my first point at acknowledging I had become depressed along the way. Internalising my emotions and not talking much help fuel the depression. I fought back the tears that came with each day with gusto. No, I would not let me sink, I encouraged me. So many questions I pondered upon, “when would He consider it in the nick of time and show up?” I inquired, I spoke less about my stormy emotions, as they swayed between being angry and that feeling of total helplessness. I spoke less, I walked around the house more reminding me of His faithfulness with scriptures, googled Bible studies on housing, I knocked much louder on heavens doors. I was determined not to drown,

All doors for potential good deals would creak open with a crack just right to get my hopes all high, finally! I would be settled I celebrated. Then close annoyingly silently, with phone calls not being picked by seconded agents. I just could not figure out why! With our mutual friend having moved the bulk of her worldly goods to her new place, I realised greatly I needed to get a new place to stay. Suddenly, where I had kept my goods, I now needed to move them too, my pal had plans for that room…it was pouring! My well-kept exterior was not bearing up that well at this point. Then there was the fact that my flatmate and I would not be moving together anymore as earlier planned. Now I was on my own. Alone. It suddenly wasn’t about getting a place alone, but extra money to cater to what I wanted.

Having stayed a couple of days extra beyond her initial move out date, our friends house was being stripped room by room in prep for remodelling. She hoped, we hoped, this would be sorted. On Wednesday September 6th, we decided as we prepped for work, that from work, we would get another stop place and so no return to her home. At work I almost came totally undone with the dam breaking, despite my attempts. A random event pulled all the tears I had neatly kept inside for a little over a month. To the question, what is wrong? I did not readily have a response, so much was going on internally. So, I as quietly stated through the down pour that I need a place to be just stable and not have my space challenged at work since I currently had no place of my own, I knew I needed a closure fast!

Got some days off work to have it sorted. That beautiful Wednesday evening I called a couple of friends, I need a place briefly. Then I got a yes to come spend a night or two, as I needed a place to lay my head while closing out on a good-looking deal. The thoughts of where I would put my goods hovered in my head. You see, on the Tuesday before this Wednesday, I had seen a lovely place, everything was just right but the price was beyond my budget. I asked for a reduction in service charge and awaited the landlord’s feedback. He had said he would get back to me, so we fixed a meeting for Thursday.

Thursday morning as I made my way to meet with the new landlord, yes new, in my head I would seal this deal. God came through for me, I got needed extra funds to be able to pay for the place. The meeting with the Landlord was okay, but insisted that he could not reduce the service charge. By Thursday evening, I had made payment and by night fall about 11pm I moved myself, my worldly goods into my new spot.

It had taken longer than I had wanted and imagined but as I lay on my mattress in my room yet unpacked, I was good. I did wonder was my dance with depression a sign of lack of faith that He would come through. Had I left the situation take charge of me? My knocks were answered so quickly within a week, and it made the roughly last eight weeks look like a shadow, the relief is beyond words. Today, (19th April 2018) as i reflect from July 2017 it has been seven months since I have been here. From the amenities to my relationship with my landlord and his family, it is an improved version of that which I left, one beyond my imagination.

I did learn, that when God shakes one suddenly from set plans and dates without warning, it is never for less. No matter how it looks or seems, though three streets after my former place, I have a better deal in every area. It was never for less.

© 7th October 2017.

Studying the story of the man at the pool of Bethseda for thirty-eight years, I am warming encouraged that God sees me, God knows and would step in at the right time with my answer and not in the way I expect it to come. Amid so many, who would have thought the recipient of God’s favour would be one, still unsure as to his wants. If He did it for one, He would do it for me, for you, for everyone waiting.

There were a great multitude
The Bible gives no record of this man
In the midst of the many waiting
One man had his time and chance

In a world of so many billion people
We know that our hairs have been numbered
And with are so many so often praying
This assures we would get our answers

His solution came to Him
Just as it did to the Bridegroom at Cana
Like them we do not always see
That our answers have set out ahead of us

To the One who sees
Who chose me in the midst
That in this world of many
Reminds me, for the man came He

For the person at the brink
The one unsure he is seen or heard
For the lady crying within
For whosoever wilt there is wholeness

© 8th August 2017