The Struggle

Knowing the next steps did not make it any easier, I knew, I knew with a calmness and peace only He could give. Knowing came much quickly than I envisaged. Having to choose between two loves rubbed on me the wrong way. I love law, I choose law, fell out and then fell back in love with it, I love admin, it comes natural to me. After months of combining same, I had not pictured a future of one without the other. But I knew, having to choose which one, i would let go of somewhat.

Yet I struggled, oh how I struggled, why did I not embrace it? My thoughts… I firmly believed (do not ask me how and why), that there was a conspiracy to frustrate me (No, that’s truly how I saw it). Life had been good, beautiful and dandy, my birth month the prior year brought one too many needless clashes. Some days I mused, if I only understood why? Our paths were different.

I spoke to myself, “you are not your chosen field” that’s not you! An expression perhaps, but certainly not you. My emotions where a roller coaster, up one day, deeply suspicious and distrustful the next. Knowing the clouds of suspicion and distrust blinded my view did not help. Through dimmed eyes to guard my soul, I nit-picked every word and action. Questions flowed within me, ‘if the one you trust, trusts them, surely you can, right? But still…

The Word was my source of stability and sanity, no room for negative emotions, my watchword to not throw petty parties. One thing I did learn, pettiness is not cool and an unacceptable response for a messenger. Surely my Mirror never was petty.

Daily I battled, the dying the flesh was in moments. God’s view point kept me from losing it. I hung on to His word, for I knew therein only I found sanity. My medium of expression thinned, my dance on the fringe of explosion widened. This was not the plan. Did I have a right to feel betrayed? I mean, God had showed me the path to walk, why fight the vessels used to prompt the way to go? But I fought.
My body language roared rage, did I doubt God? No! Was His will desirable? Very much so. Yet there was in me that which fought what I perceived to be the forceful taking away of all I had chosen without conscience. A part was willingly, yet another was poised for battle.

So, pride had to die, flesh had to be put under, all other voices silenced, in the place of study and communion. It has been a journey, I am not fully there yet but the struggle is less than a few months back.

© 9th July, 2018

Be Good! Do Good!

It is a beautiful day, it began just right, my normal routine flowing one into the other. So, I danced to the moments, gliding along mindlessly in some tasks, pausing to take notes of details in others.

My first email of the day did not have pleasant feedback but I have decided in my head, I can and will live with it. I just need to ensure I do not get petty afterwards. A path I have chosen to follow, winked at me.

I have been at a place where I have had to make a choice. A choice between two loves. To follow my first choice of career path in Legal or that of admin. Admin comes naturally to me, it is something that has always been a part of my life. I recall the day I knew I had to pick, at least in pursuit of growth in my current dispensation.

The myriad of emotions I battled with was unforeseen, just as the offer to choose came with a huge whack from my blindside. Speaking and writing do help me process my thoughts a whole lot.

Another email came in and my emotions rotated round in a full circle. Livid does not quite capture my rage! Part of the intensity I feel is my not speaking much about it. This bothers on trust issues with possible options to speak with.

I have pet peeves regarding work I deliver. So suddenly discovering by looking at the colleagues’ work, it was but an upgrade version of what I had prior sent in to the requestors. You see I had sent same to this other colleague and had asked him for his input (seeing as we are supposed to be working together). The stalling in responding to me after a few promptings made sense, but it only fuelled me.

How do people dish out what they cannot eat, even if fed in error? This is something that I cannot wrap around my head. Alas! Master these are the people of whom the directive “do good to those who do you evil” is meant for. Writing has given me a measure of release (Already ranted to another colleague). Scribbled someplace else.

God help me, because I sure do need it right about now. The things and people who try my faith! *sigh*. It’s in the following week I would know for sure if I gave the devil a foothold. Peace!

© 9th May, 2018

PS this is me days later (today 31st May, 2018), I still speak less in my office. Thankfully with God by my side I fought (still fight) the urge to be petty and I am winning.