Distrust

I am not sure which rubbed off on me the wrong way, the fact that I had never envisaged this or having to choose between two roles I enjoyed and loved. The reason was quite logical, “for your career growth plan, you need to let go of one”. No, you cannot hold unto the two roles. That hurt, it was a tough call, I fought the idea of letting go of one. I did pick one, but suspicion was my initial response to things from two particularly colleagues (Somewhere in my head, i just felt this did not come from a good place) It took me a while to accept my choice, I only made peace with it in July 2018.

Clouded vision
Coloured perception
Flawed decision
A bump along the road

High are the walls
My heart won’t fall
Position stiff tall
A smile with clenched fists

This is a change
The storm does rage
Many are but a range
A soul now shut tight

A search deep inward
To go as I ought forward
As my goal lies onward
A burden I must lay aside.

© 9th July, 2018

Be Good! Do Good!

It is a beautiful day, it began just right, my normal routine flowing one into the other. So, I danced to the moments, gliding along mindlessly in some tasks, pausing to take notes of details in others.

My first email of the day did not have pleasant feedback but I have decided in my head, I can and will live with it. I just need to ensure I do not get petty afterwards. A path I have chosen to follow, winked at me.

I have been at a place where I have had to make a choice. A choice between two loves. To follow my first choice of career path in Legal or that of admin. Admin comes naturally to me, it is something that has always been a part of my life. I recall the day I knew I had to pick, at least in pursuit of growth in my current dispensation.

The myriad of emotions I battled with was unforeseen, just as the offer to choose came with a huge whack from my blindside. Speaking and writing do help me process my thoughts a whole lot.

Another email came in and my emotions rotated round in a full circle. Livid does not quite capture my rage! Part of the intensity I feel is my not speaking much about it. This bothers on trust issues with possible options to speak with.

I have pet peeves regarding work I deliver. So suddenly discovering by looking at the colleagues’ work, it was but an upgrade version of what I had prior sent in to the requestors. You see I had sent same to this other colleague and had asked him for his input (seeing as we are supposed to be working together). The stalling in responding to me after a few promptings made sense, but it only fuelled me.

How do people dish out what they cannot eat, even if fed in error? This is something that I cannot wrap around my head. Alas! Master these are the people of whom the directive “do good to those who do you evil” is meant for. Writing has given me a measure of release (Already ranted to another colleague). Scribbled someplace else.

God help me, because I sure do need it right about now. The things and people who try my faith! *sigh*. It’s in the following week I would know for sure if I gave the devil a foothold. Peace!

© 9th May, 2018

PS this is me days later (today 31st May, 2018), I still speak less in my office. Thankfully with God by my side I fought (still fight) the urge to be petty and I am winning.

Where is your trust?

All it took was two wards: it’s okay.
One would have imagined it brought comfort, alas! It brought nothing positive.

Questions were quickly raised in my mind. What is going on? Where is this coming from? I made personal attempts to apply the vantage point principle.

It did not work; the pictures being formed in my mind seemed pretty formidable.
I decided I would not talk about it, would pray it though. The prayers did calm me but it still wasn’t there.

In the course of my study a verse begged the question – Do you trust God? Do you trust Him enough to know He has got you, therefore nothing will move you?

One verse brought peace, the much needed calm I had sought for a bit. As I took heed to me, I declared; God I trust you – truly do, even in my mind.

© 27th November, 2016

PS: The hymn ‘Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus is my song for the now and always.

Don’t Jump Start God

Set in the Lands in Canaan and Mesopotamia is a story of oath, prayer, expectation and love.

An old man, who had lived a life more eventful than his contemporaries if he had any desired that his only son be married. He wanted that a wife be picked from amongst the kindred he had left behind years ago. Yet he desired that the son remain in Canaan.

A trusted servant, advanced in age, he had been a witness to the ways through which the old man’s life had taken for so many years. The bond of servant and master over the years placed him with understanding and access beyond, far beyond all other servants.

A son, on his fourth decade, living his life unaware like his forbear the need for a help meet. He was oblivious to the desire, them the plan and eventually to the proposal that got him married.

An old man with a desire and plan. A faithful servant with a mission, prayer and expectation. A son, a recipient of grace unending, unsought. Then a woman who found love.

It was a day like every other, same routine, same chore. It was a day like no other, for destiny came calling and the even was different.

Get him a wife from my kindred, yet do not take him there whatever you do. Surely the One who called me from them shall send His angel before you.
O God of my master grant me good speed, lead me aright, by this sign I shall know the kindness that thou has shown unto my master.

Lady may I have a drink? Drink my Lord and I will draw for camels.

The wait was long yet short. For at the last drink by the camels he know the Lord had prospered his journey. He held his peace. The sign was complete before he made the move.

No he didn’t try to help God once he perceived God’s kindness. He waited.
He prayed, before he finished praying the answer came. While the answer was being unravelled, he held his peace. He did not try to quicken the miracles, he waited.

There is a blessing in the holding of your peace, ask Sara

© 30th November, 2015.

Hold On

I can hear it, it sounds so far away, its’ melody reaches out to me. I tilt my head with the hope to get a better sound as it approaches. There is a surge of joy within me, as my lips dance into a smile. Aah! My wait has not been in vain. I look around eager to share my excitement, but the blank faces give me a pause momentarily, don’t they hear it?…surely they did not buy the tale that He would not come through, oh no! They could not have believed the talebearer that His “lateness” is denial.

Even as I found myself swaying, to the beats of the strands of the song that was getting closer… I stretched out my hand to my comrades. We had come too far, too too far for them to give up without a fight…I hummed the chords… as I recalled, it was the same one that had filled my heart years back while I had wondered what it meant…could it be? I turned towards the door as I dared to believe that it could be.

Then I glanced at the blank, vacant stares of my comrades… I saw, but they did not see… we were a stronger group, refined from the tick of the hands of the years that had gone by. Our hands, our palms had aged gracefully, not calloused, no… warmly soft.

‘Look!’ I said as I held up my hands for inspection turning it as one conducting an orchestral. Hard…Nathan said, hard but He had promised soft… No! I sobbed look….can’t you see? It is soft yet mature… as I approached Onajite. We had encouraged each other, with each new gown, through the baby showers, if I could reach anyone now it was her, she knows me, and sometimes I feared more than I knew myself.

Searching her face as a roll of my heart dropped…the realization hit my tummy hard… she had let go, Shiere we were wrong… no ‘Jits, no I shouted as I shook her roughly, we are supposed to have held on all the way…’Jits please look. A flash of pity ran through the blank stare as she turned her face away. In the dark corner the talebearers lips curved cruelly.

Listen Moyin… you had always had an ear that picked strains of dim sounds; you couldn’t have blocked your ears. Stumbling over Onajite’s bags of the years of cry; all but fell unto Moyins’ lap as he rocked stiffly on the chair of dingy dodged knowing. His hands lay limply on his lap, too weak to steady my gait…Shie we lost, he all but whispered, this was my last battle, and I lost…

I looked down at his feet, the rugged boots that had walked through deaths shadow, overcome the grips of sicko sickness, still had the mud of perseverance stuck on it, was I wrong? I questioned myself, had we lost this battle? As I let my hands fall softly on the hard knee of prayers… the sound reached out to me yet again stronger than ever… the faint lull had gained strength with each words…

No, no this was not how we planned, how could you have bought what the talebearer sold? It’s counterfeit. Moyin we won… yes we won… look at you, where is sicko? The True blood purified you; look at the reminders in the scars from Dr. Dibs theatre.

A flicker, look! as I lifted up his feet in the boots, mud perseverance told of the passage through valley unemployment 3 years… remember…the oil didn’t run dry. The flickering candle steadily grew stronger as he began to recall: deaths shadow fled when Life Abundant took his hands, sicko sickness left though Dr. Dibs had said otherwise… yes I said, indeed the broken Body had reigned supreme, through valley unemployment 3 years Jireh Provision was holding me close… he said with his voice stronger with each sentence, what of my rib Roli? Or…

His hands were strengthened as he lifted it and shouted… we won! Yes for if all that had been, surely there is nothing He could not do—this was no exception… the notes reached Moyin ears just in time, as he began to rock in rhythm with it.

Rising with renewed vigour, Shiere moved swiftly to Kachidi who lay sprawl on the couch, staring listlessly at the ceiling boards, ‘O daughter of the Author of the Rains, stir up yourself, throw away talebearers false goods—tale. We are almost there… a sad smile framed Kachidi’s lips…that was what I thought 2 years back just as I bid Lewis good night, then again I was wrong, she said as a drop of unanswered questions rolled down the corner of her eyes dark with hurt… why did my Father not come through for me? She whispered and looked towards me.

I shook my dirty black soft crown, I do not know Kach, and am not equipped to be His defence attorney. If you’d only but listen, use your spirit…you’d hear and know, you cannot just throw in all the years of holding Words. Shifting her small frame as a chicken shook its bum to get the right spot in the ground, Kachidi spoke, ‘I stopped listening when Lewis left. It was more than I could bear,’ looking accusingly at me she went on: ‘You still have O’tega! The memories are not enough, let me be’.

I jerked upright in shock, where is mine? Boaz bones as I spurn around searching frantically, for sure he was dancing I thought, moving unsettling…O’tega leaned lazily against the well, the look was unmistakably vacant…Baby I cried, no please! I need you to see and hear please, I looked around me ‘Jits still stared blankly; Moyin was not only rocking but humming harmoniously… Kach…Kach my heart reached out towards her yet I turned and enveloped O’tega in my arms…’we’re almost there hun’, he looked at me, ‘I did my best sugs’, reaching into my soul with his pain filled eyes…I know hun but it’s now! Aah! That’s what we thought the last cryless but cryfilled five years…my strength fails me he said, as he let his hands fall to his side.

Hun but those who wait on Him, yea those who trust in Him shall renew their strength. All you need do now is reach out and open the door, on the other side is immeasurably more than we asked or thought, I said softly as the strains had gotten louder and drowned out all other sounds, putting to sleep talebearers tales. What if’….ssh! I placed my hands over O’tega’s mouth, the only what if, is that the years of cryless and cryfilled 5 years of tales will cease once we open the door to the soothing music.

I hear it Joyce jumped up dancing in an out of beat fashion, swinging her arms widely and laughing in an uncontrollably manner…the battle has been won she crooned, bumping into Roli. I turned back to O’tega; please take the step…open the door. With each step, O’tega took, I saw strength infuse his being. The curved cruel lips of talebearer was turning into a shocked O as his eyes popped.

Not by sight, not by sight…O’tega said with each step, ‘am with you, Joyce said’ as she danced wildly towards the door, Ro baby don’t be left behind, Moyin had quit rocking and was humming towards Rib Roli, grabbing her with his arms lifted her and turned towards the door. Roli looked into Moyin’s eyes, ‘am not so sure but am willing to dare as long as you think this is it, guess I trust your judgment as always… so we won? She gushed.

Kachidi called out: am sorry Shiere, I just can’t dare to again and rolled over to her side making her back face us. I reached out my hand to ‘Jits…please take it, let go of goods tale, it’s for the best, ‘Jits glanced down to the bags of cry years and missed the sun above.

Indeed no eye had seen, nor any ear heard the sights and sounds that enveloped us as we opened the door. For though it tarried, it did come like He said it would.

Epilogue:
From the Living Word we are told once too often that the crown is only for those who endure until the end. As children of the One Who Never Dies let us hold on to His promises, through the situations dire and grim, let’s keep on believing for He will come through. Not necessarily at our timing, but we can be sure that He will come through for us.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40: 31

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith. Galatians 6: 9, 10.

You must warn each other everyday, while it is still “today”, so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God. For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ. Hebrews 3: 13,14.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Hebrews 10 23,24

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. “For in just a little while, the Coming One will come and not delay. Hebrews 10 36, 37

Until You Move Me, I’ll Be Still

Deep words, I sure love to say them daily on all issues I grapple with. The reality of the phrase delays that desire every now and then.

Is being still such a hard chore? I would not say so but I do acknowledge that when ‘now’ seems appealing, still is made to look like the imposter. Yet being still is a sign that I do trust God that He is God. That He would do just want His word says HE would do.

Agh! I sure do need daily lessons on being still. No running ahead of myself or God.
To trust deeply and truly in my mind, with my words and actions
For with my life in His hands I have no need of spoil.

© June 4th, 2013

Trust Things…

Going through with my communion I learnt of David in his encounter with Goliath. He had been equipped over the course of his years while doing stuff that “probably” went unrecognized. The training proved to be quite efficient as he came forth with skill and confidence.

When the time was set to put them to use, he however took a turn. Yes, he was confident; yes he was sure of his skills. His trust he placed in God, the Coach. David did not take it for granted that with the skills and confidence he was good to go. He placed them in God’s able hands trusted that God would use them to grant victory over Goliath…God did.

Do we forget God once we are fully trained? Do we turn to the arm of flesh cause we think we have it all?

Then said David to the Philestine, thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. 1 Samuel 17:45

5th December, 2012.

Trust Thoughts

Standing on the bus queue this morning after setting out late for a Monday, the length of the queue was somewhat scary. With no bus in sight we stood pensively on the queue. Silently I prayed “Lord please send us buses at least 5 of them”. As the first bus made its way into the park, I watched people leave the queue for those who would seat and move towards the standing queue. I then thought to myself— is it that they did not trust that God who had brought this bus would bring others to pick us?

I shrugged off the thought to join them. The second bus left, I still stood on the queue now with bemused thoughts as I watched people oscillate from the seating queue to the standing queue, and back again to the seating queue, one lady actually ended up going to stand in the second bus.

As simple as the actions looked, the choices they made pointed something out to me, by my choices I tell the world whether I trust God to come through for me or not. I trust God goes way beyond my saying those words.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart Proverbs 3:5

You will keep him in perfect peace whose heart is stayed upon you because he trusts in you Isaiah 26:3

© Itse Tosan 23rd April 2012

PS: My me interpretation of what happened on the bus queue that beautiful morning.

Of Worrying & Thanksgiving

Going for an interview this Thursday morning, I reassured myself that victory was mine, for in Christ I was victorious. The traffic from Magodo to Tafawa Balewa Square didn’t get me worried, as I was sure I would be on time, anyhow God will work something out. After waiting a couple of minutes the interview commenced. Twas neither a long one nor a short one by my calculation, I was relaxed and answered each question very well. With a smile I said my goodbyes, as I left with a reminder to get back to them on my final decision…whatever I may settle upon after my rumination. Then the thought bumps began: Are you sure you would take this? What of the hours involved and other plans? Wardrobe aint exactly ready for this… With a bond, what happens when some better deal comes along?
I settled into a pensive mood all the way back home. Slowly the worrying thoughts attempted to rob my gratitude off my heart and lips. Though thankful for the success of the interview, I was taking my time to weigh the pros and cons of my final answer. I have to be sure about my answer. Thinking of all the wrong reasons that may prevent me from saying yes, gathered clouds like the ones the rainy weather of Eko had gathered.
It’s so easy to lose sight of the grace of God. That this interview held was a result of His grace. Rather than lay the seemingly right questions which tugged at my attention at His feet, as worrying does nothing for me, I sought to make an issue of them by chewing on them. Most assuredly, if He could make me get this far, then He can handle every other thing and turn it around for my good. I sure cannot see the future but I can trust in His good thoughts. So am resting unworried in His loving arms, letting my Spirit reach out in thanksgiving unleashed…it’s a beautiful way to end the month I must say.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?… and if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown away into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith. Matthew 6:27 & 30

Don’t worry about anything; instead, [ray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Philippians 4:6

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Copyright © 30th June, 2011.

Earnest….

Earnest- serious – whole heart – thoughts – speech- actions.

Prayers are made reality in our lives when everything about us is in agreement and in line with Gods will. It is not enough to pray to our Father and expect Him to move in our behalf in that regard if within us there is no agreement. I recall way back in my secondary school days when I began to seek to truly know God after a couple of years of rebellion. One scripture that gave me the assurance to seek His face was Jer 29:13. There God tells us simply that if we seek Him with ALL of our hearts we would find Him.

This principle we can apply to our everyday prayers as well. When we pray about anything we should align our thoughts, speech and actions with our prayers…and most importantly we should pray with all of our hearts. You cannot be praying: Lord, please give me a brand new Honda Accord, latest model”, and thinking…’any car that comes I’ll just take”, and if asked by those we may have shared our request with, we then say…”car is car anyhow e be, I won’t complain”, Now, there is a problem with this prayer, it falls short of “earnest prayers”. This discord within us shows some depth of unbelief in God’s ability to answer the prayer, hence the willingness to settle for less.
Have I been guilty of this?… Oh yes, but am grateful to Gods sweet Holy Spirit who is teaching me daily and purging me (I love the use of purge over prune…hehe!) of all that is not Him so that I can function in perfection. God’s word, his infallible words of life to us teaches us that it is the earnest prayer of the righteous man that avails much (Acts 12:5,7 & 14; James 5:16b) just like Elijah’s prayer—James 5:17.
Then again someone might bring on some exceptional cases where everything within was in agreement and yet the prayer ‘didn’t avail much’. In my short years upon this earth, I’ve come to understand that there are some questions that would never get answered on this side of heaven and probably on that side too..(Tho I believe that when we get to heaven all unanswered questions we seek answers to won’t be top on our list, but rather to just worship Him and love on Him). No one can question God…I don’t think Job ever found out that all he experienced was a wager put forth by God to the devil to show the depth of his integrity.
Still I would dare to yet speak for my Father, who has assured me through various scriptures that if we ask anything of Him IN HIS WILL we would have it. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him. I John 15:14,15. Basically all He asks that we do is trust Him through it all.
Beloved children of God, the will of God is not beyond knowing. It is in there in His Word –Bible and His every gentle Spirit teaches is and interprets it to us. All we need to is learn and obey. It is in His will for us that our prayers avail much & our expectations are not cut short. May all we do be done earnestly always.
Copyright © 18th May, 2011