With Love from Abeokuta

I first visited Abeokuta in my much younger years, 1989 or so. It was a family vacation with my siblings, cousins, an uncle and an aunty. Aunty Yewande took us for this trip. We went via Lagos from Port Harcourt, it was a trip I would not forget in years. There was the fun part, the part of being spoiled and the tears.

I recall eating garden eggs from Maami – my Yoruba Grandma’s garden, playing with her scrabble the wrong way, climbing or rather being carried up Olumo rock and I sure remember how she begged Aunty Yewande to let me off eating Eko. That was one of my traumatic growing up episodes. Somewhere in my head, I had wrongly believed that moimoi and Eko tasted just the same way. It was to my horror that my taste buds screamed differently. I decided that I would not eat Eko.

That’s when my ordeal began, Aunty decided otherwise, so while I cried and Maami begged, the others finished their dinner, went off to brush their teeth, have devotion and I, I was looking at the Eko through tears.
I don’t know which prevailed, though I greatly suspect it was Maami’s plea for me. The Eko did not get eaten by me, I got to leave the dining table.

Three years ago, I went back to Abeokuta to celebrate Maami’s 90th birthday, everything was just as I remembered. Elated doesn’t quite express my feelings. It was good to be there. Over years I had grown used to seeing Maami when she came to visit us, her Port Harcourt family and speaking with her over the phone every now and then. Being back in Abeokuta for a few days was a joyful surprise.

Last month I went back to Abeokuta to say goodbye to Maami, a couple of weeks shy of her 93rd birthday she passed. It hurt, somewhere in my head, I had thought she would be around for a long time. Reality has said otherwise. My first thought when I heard the news was no more calls from Maami on 10th September. There would be no reminder from her of whose I am, no prayer from her, it hurt.

The house is still as it was in my younger days, the flowers still drape the fence, cream is still the colours of the walls. It does seem smaller though but then at thirty-five it would be.

Part of my smile memories come from Abeokuta, it was one of my first trips within Nigeria that I recall vividly. From Abeokuta love was sure, that’s why we have Grandmas.

© 12th September 2018

The Struggle

Knowing the next steps did not make it any easier, I knew, I knew with a calmness and peace only He could give. Knowing came much quickly than I envisaged. Having to choose between two loves rubbed on me the wrong way. I love law, I choose law, fell out and then fell back in love with it, I love admin, it comes natural to me. After months of combining same, I had not pictured a future of one without the other. But I knew, having to choose which one, i would let go of somewhat.

Yet I struggled, oh how I struggled, why did I not embrace it? My thoughts… I firmly believed (do not ask me how and why), that there was a conspiracy to frustrate me (No, that’s truly how I saw it). Life had been good, beautiful and dandy, my birth month the prior year brought one too many needless clashes. Some days I mused, if I only understood why? Our paths were different.

I spoke to myself, “you are not your chosen field” that’s not you! An expression perhaps, but certainly not you. My emotions where a roller coaster, up one day, deeply suspicious and distrustful the next. Knowing the clouds of suspicion and distrust blinded my view did not help. Through dimmed eyes to guard my soul, I nit-picked every word and action. Questions flowed within me, ‘if the one you trust, trusts them, surely you can, right? But still…

The Word was my source of stability and sanity, no room for negative emotions, my watchword to not throw petty parties. One thing I did learn, pettiness is not cool and an unacceptable response for a messenger. Surely my Mirror never was petty.

Daily I battled, the dying the flesh was in moments. God’s view point kept me from losing it. I hung on to His word, for I knew therein only I found sanity. My medium of expression thinned, my dance on the fringe of explosion widened. This was not the plan. Did I have a right to feel betrayed? I mean, God had showed me the path to walk, why fight the vessels used to prompt the way to go? But I fought.
My body language roared rage, did I doubt God? No! Was His will desirable? Very much so. Yet there was in me that which fought what I perceived to be the forceful taking away of all I had chosen without conscience. A part was willingly, yet another was poised for battle.

So, pride had to die, flesh had to be put under, all other voices silenced, in the place of study and communion. It has been a journey, I am not fully there yet but the struggle is less than a few months back.

© 9th July, 2018

That Couch

The tears, laughter, late nights, movies, meals. So many stories have been woven into its fabric. I cannot recall the moment it became my favourite place. It seems we just grew together. One of those pieces never to be let go off.

I have shared my highs and lows, best dressed moments, peejay moments on it. It is just the place to be self-absorbed in a good book. There are patches of spilled drink, somewhere on it, there are drops of tears from a loss to emotions pulled from a movie or just down right pent up emotions that chose their own moment to turn up.
My internal battles have been fought right there.

Once upon a time, upon a couch set in the living room, it was my lounging spot as I spent the day indoors. Though I had so much to say, I said nothing as I often do atimes, with no explanation even to me. I lay on it, staring at the TV but seeing just as far as my thoughts would let me see anything else. I wondered if I could just get away with loving those who made it easy. Howbeit, it was more of a struggle in my head.

Christ would not do that I reasoned but then again, ‘why should I make room for people who deliberately try my patience?’. I cannot demand people behave as I think is right, neither can I withhold that given me to share because it is in my “power” to do so. Abuse of “power” it would be. Child of God is it in Your DNA to love the ‘unlovable’, for while we were yet sinners Christ chose you, He loved you and died for you before you even knew Him.

On the couch I have found my perfect me place, me space. Just lying there has helped me make decisions, some of which I would know for certain in the near future if they are the right choices.

Oh the stories revived by auto correct overriding intent in a group chat.

© 17th May 2018

It’s All Working

There is something beautiful about words taking on flesh – from a tap practically dripping which causes me to pause, notice the finer things and respond, from an unusual encounter with food vendors suddenly causing me to make a choice. I walked from to dark clouds which had gathered only releasing their tears as I got in the door of the house.

Nothing can be more special than the daily reminders that I am chosen, beloved and thought of by God. Just as a quilt of different materials, there are no inconsequential moments with my King. God is ever so involved in my details, weaving every situation, encounter into a beautiful end for His good purpose.

Every chanced meeting, an unexpected smile, every upset and emotional tear, He is right in the midst of it all, causing it to show forth His glory and miracle working hand. Thus, I can say with all confidence that all things are working together for my good. For I love God and I am the called according to His purpose.

And I know that all things work together for good to Itse Tosanwumi that love God, to me who is the called according to His purpose. Romans 8: 28

© 24th July 2016

Of Solids & Fluids

Over the years I have come to embrace the fact that I am very opinionated. More often than desired it has given the impression that I am set in my ways. Recently, I had to decide if I was a solid or fluid.

People business is business with no rules. For we all have freewill. I encountered one I had not met before. It seemed like the actions had been lifted from a movie script. At every friction encountered I touted we are colleagues, thus I won’t give a hoot seeing that I can work with anyone without liking them or ever going beyond the professional ties.

I simply thought if it’s okay to act a witch, then its okay if I respond accordingly. What I would not say with my mouth, my eyes and body screamed. Yet it had not always been so. My emotions were more shocked than hurt. Surely life isn’t this tough

Then He began speaking, I shrugged it off, call your creature to order. From drops it became a drizzle: treat people better than they deserve. I was convinced I was being forcefully conscripted into a movie and was set to resist it.

Yet my husbandman won’t leave me nor let me be. With each clip from the clipper I realised I could not be solid. Head strong was no pleasing aroma and I sure had to decide me or Him, who is my life about? Love is easy when the person acts right by whatever measurement we use. Yet love is the call even when the person stands solid.

So I am embarking on a journey to treat people better than they deserve. I have no clue how but I know God has me. The fact I am certain in my highly opinionated way that their manifestation is “ewww” does not count.

© 22nd June, 2016

Don’t Jump Start God

Set in the Lands in Canaan and Mesopotamia is a story of oath, prayer, expectation and love.

An old man, who had lived a life more eventful than his contemporaries if he had any desired that his only son be married. He wanted that a wife be picked from amongst the kindred he had left behind years ago. Yet he desired that the son remain in Canaan.

A trusted servant, advanced in age, he had been a witness to the ways through which the old man’s life had taken for so many years. The bond of servant and master over the years placed him with understanding and access beyond, far beyond all other servants.

A son, on his fourth decade, living his life unaware like his forbear the need for a help meet. He was oblivious to the desire, them the plan and eventually to the proposal that got him married.

An old man with a desire and plan. A faithful servant with a mission, prayer and expectation. A son, a recipient of grace unending, unsought. Then a woman who found love.

It was a day like every other, same routine, same chore. It was a day like no other, for destiny came calling and the even was different.

Get him a wife from my kindred, yet do not take him there whatever you do. Surely the One who called me from them shall send His angel before you.
O God of my master grant me good speed, lead me aright, by this sign I shall know the kindness that thou has shown unto my master.

Lady may I have a drink? Drink my Lord and I will draw for camels.

The wait was long yet short. For at the last drink by the camels he know the Lord had prospered his journey. He held his peace. The sign was complete before he made the move.

No he didn’t try to help God once he perceived God’s kindness. He waited.
He prayed, before he finished praying the answer came. While the answer was being unravelled, he held his peace. He did not try to quicken the miracles, he waited.

There is a blessing in the holding of your peace, ask Sara

© 30th November, 2015.

Obedience or Stubbornness

To yield to a higher authority or to submit one’s own ideas or desires for a superior one is a trait of humility or the state of humbleness which we chose right from our minds and hearts and thoughts.
The choice for obedience most especially when doing so makes no sense to human logic or reasoning is the fruit of choosing obedience in the basic and simple things .

I’d call such basic and simple things the revealed will of God which is explicitly stated at some point in all chapters of the Bible. To obey is better than sacrifice, than large offerings and doing things aimed at man’s approval. Obedience is the way of showing we love the Lord. Funny right next to the much quoted lines of obedience is better than sacrifice goes: stubbornness is as the sin of worshipping idols…

No one’s character is rock cast in cement or granite, we have a choice to mold it, grow, refine and shape it (under the mastery of the Holy Spirit)
Which do you choose today?

“But Samuel replied, ‘what is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to His voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams. Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshipping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the Lord, He has rejected you as King. I Samuel 15:22 & 23.

Copyright Itse Tosan

Today For Today

There’s a Sunday in June 2013 I won’t forget in a hurry… it was as day I felt fear in a way I can’t recall ever feeling before. One incident was all it took and my heart froze.

Suddenly I realised that truly who promised me tomorrow that I live my life as though I was here for the keeps and same with those who I love and with thanks to whatever, never really get to tell them so either in words or my actions always playing it safe least they think…

It dawned on me that day, that all the previous grief’s I have shared can never ever be enough preparation to lose someone dear. Holding back on my love for whatever reason is simply ignorance… for today is always the best day to show good love… tomorrow may not be for some one.

Do I really truly live my day as today, the present and let no what would people think?, how would they understand me? stand in the way. Oh how I sure did begin to question me. Each time I recall the incident I still have a pause… thank God for God. Thank God He did not let me cry over a friend. Thank God for God.

Like another friend said: anything could have happened in just a minute Jesus would have come for our friend. I resolve to live today as today… hmmm this I have done so many times before, I sure do need help Lord with keeping this up..

Help me to live today as today and not bothered with the what ifs or there’s tomorrow.

© June 26th, 2013

Family, Love and Laughter

Almost 11 years after a family close to us relocated, we were blessed to have a reunion for a week plus. It was one of catching up on the years gone by and reminding ourselves of the years we had shared.

Sometimes we talked and laughed, at other times we simply sat silently enjoying each others presence. We still got to play some of the pranks we had played before on ourselves…and still get away with them. We talked of doing it again and more often when we got to the point of saying goodbye.

Four years after that memorable gathering, we got to start the year with the loss of one of us. It hurt, the unexpected always does.

This is five years since the memorable gathering, a year since our loss. I look through the pictures with emotions mixed yet deeply grateful – for the opportunity to have shared love and laughter in person, at least once before our loss.

How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony Psalm 133: 1

© Itse Tosan 4th February 2012

Of tearing and Building up

It’s much easier to rip things apart than to put them together I’ve fully come to realise. Spotting the faults of another seems to come more naturally than seeing the strengths in others. Yet this has been the worst route to take to bring about change in another.
To choose to build up through encouraging the strengths and grooming the potentials is the life the Father has called us all to live. It’s a choice we get to choose daily, to walk in love for peace with the brethren. To make for the things that bind us together be our focus; would be to share the contagious joy of our Father which never leaves either side the same.

A while back I went out with a friend and on our return journey we hooked up with her friends and their friends. Conversation was borne out of an offer to eat roasted pork. I shook my head, shook my mind, spirit, soul and body and promptly said No, it is not healthy for my body, and if it is not healthy for me, the same goes for you. We all being “Bible scholars” on some level, pushed the conversation to Leviticus: to eat or not.

With each affirmation for to eat, I grew stronger on to not eat and shamefully, critical of the ‘to eats’; didn’t feel shameful about it then though. We did get to part with “airs”

That’s just one of many conversations I’ve had with siblings that left neither of us better in Christ. I do know I left feeling like something did not quite sit with me on the stance I took. Never got the chance to redo or undo that.

Today gently and firmly I got to know that the routes my conversations take are always to build up and leave both sides refreshed. Correction in love does that, being critical of another does not do that.

Those who feel free to eat anything must not look down on those who don’t. And those who don’t eat certain foods must not condemn those who do, for God has accepted them Romans 14: 3

So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up. Romans 14:19

Do not tear apart the work of God over what you eat. Remember, all foods are acceptable, but it is wrong to eat anything if it makes another person stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or anything else if it might cause another believer to stumble. Romans 14:20, 21

But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions id you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning. Romans 14:23

Itse Tosan  ©  23rd November 2011